Listening to music is something that can help or hinder our progress in life. For me, it does both hinder and move me forward in life. I often find a song that speaks to me, and I will listen to it on repeat for as long as it takes for me to get sick of it or pull out of it what I need to. When it speaks to me it helps me write the things I believe are supposed to be written.

Lately, I have been beyond depressed; it has been the never-ending black hole. Each month I have a not so pleasant reminder that having kids is not in my cards. It breaks my heart into infinite pieces. I have dreamt of having kids for most of my life. It appears that TBI and Depression have helped me to let that time pass by. They (whoever they are) say acceptance is freedom in life with brain injury. It is the most challenging mental action to get to and through. Sometimes it seems like I have made it past acceptance and am living another significant part of life. Then I am usually slapped in the face with the fact that I am stuck in the limbo that is acceptance.

Great songs can also make you time travel into a time you have not visited in a while or into a time you have not yet been. Like this, music helped me to write this. It comes out best when I have had a super depressed time and find a great writing song. Sometimes it pours out like water; other times, it stalls out.

 

 Music is one thing that fires up all parts of our brain. I love that part; it helps me time travel or stand still to work through all the garbage in my mind. I hold myself to a standard that is built on never good enough or enough. When I was twenty-four, I incurred a traumatic brain injury. It changed my life in ways no one outside my mind or body could ever understand. It stole my whole life from me before I realized what the driving force behind it was. Once we went and got me a Spect scan, it was clear that all the things I wondered WTF is wrong with me. My brain injury caused them, and they were exasperated by the drinking that I did for a decade. It broke me in ways I did not know were possible. For five years, I have been in some dark, dark places. The deal is if I did or do not go through these times, I would never be able to get through the acceptance or a massive chunk of it. I often think it will be a life long journey through acceptance as things continue to change as I age. You know music is also soothing to me, or sometimes it helps me ugly cry it out. It brings joy in just the right moments. Sometimes one song will carry you through every emotion you have and some you did not know about; these are the great ones. ~T

#tbigurl #perpetualflair

p.s. I do not share my story so that you may feel sorry for me. I share it so others know they are not alone, and maybe it will make their days a bit better. Perhaps it will help during their acceptance and healing.